Giddyup everyone! It's guest-review day with your favorite guest reviewer, Jenny Sekwa! SOMEONE has to liven up the joint. Well, punks, do you feel lucky?
How bad is this movie? Conjure up every negative adjective ever invented, look up their synonyms and apply all of them to this movie. Appalling and atrocious will get you going with the "A's". Ben Affleck should have his SAG card revoked and be arrested for impersonating an actor. By now, everyone has probably heard about the severe thrashing the critics have been giving this movie. WHY oh WHY did I take this as a dare? "Oooh...oooh....it has cameo appearances by Christopher Walken and Al Pacino", I told myself. THAT will make it worth it! Doh. You KNOW it's a bad movie day for me when I cringe at cameos by two of my favorite actors. Even the cameos were embarrasingly horrific. Walken does what appears to be an imitation of a comedian doing a Christopher Walken schtick and Pacino...well....you just know it's a pay-back favor to Martin Brest for Scent of A Woman. And a HUGE favor at that. The plot and the dialogue for Gigli (YES, YES, it's PRONOUNCED "JEEELY". rhymes with "really"...AHAWW AHAWWWW...No..it's not "giggly".....AHAWWWWW) are so jaw-gapingly horrid and lame, it boggles the mind. Did I mention unfunny too? This is supposed to be a comedy. From the director of the hysterical "Midnight Run", no less.
I will say that Al Pacino provides the one saving grace of this movie, which is to startle all 4 people in the movie theater AND Jennifer Lopez out of their comas, whilst simultaneously eliminating the most annoying mob character to ever disgrace a screen. Thank you, Al. I sincerely don't understand how this movie got made. I would have paid to have been a fly on the wall when this movie was pitched to producers: "Yeah..it's about a dumb mob guy with a funny mispronounced name who kidnaps the retarded (give him Tourette's Syndrome - it's be a riot!!) brother of a prosecutor and then encounters a Eastern-philosophy reading lesbian mob chick who is hired to watch over him because he's so lame. AND THEY FALL IN LOVE!!" The plot and dialogue are so excrutiating, I'm at a loss for words. And does ANYONE need to see Ben Affleck injecting a hypodermic needle into the humongous thong-clad ass of Lainie Kazan? No. They don't.
Gigli: It's the end of the world as we know it. Rigli.
Grade: F x Infinity
Being a huge fan of the Polish brothers' poignant "Twin Falls, Idaho", I couldn't wait to see Northfork. The film is set in 1955 where the residents of a small Montana community are forced to evacuate their homes to make way for a new dam. In the midst of all this, a young boy is returned to an orphanage because he's too sickly. A wise elder minister (a sage, albeit, mumbling Nick Nolte) takes care of the boy during his dying days, which happens to coincide with the unsuccessful evacuation of the last stragglers by government agents, which happens to coincide with the angel-seeking mission of an odd-ball group of angels, who may or may not be real. What? Huh? What the....? Could somebody please TELL me WTF it was all about? Gorgeous, cinematography aside, I felt as if I had wandered from a linear storyline into some sort of surreal/bizarro Tim Burton/David Lynch dreamscape. Northfork boasts a fine group of actors, including James Woods and the aforementioned Nolte, but the allegorical theme and stilted dialogue make for a wacky movie experience. And a boring one, at that. I anxiously await the gospel from all of the "evolved" movie critics who will patiently explain for apparent philistines like me, the real deal about Northfork beyond it's breathtaking look. Lo and behold, Roger Ebert has bestowed 4 stars on this confusing mess. There ya go.